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Meditation/Intention Paintings – Session #9 : 3/24/09

April 8, 2009

These 3 paintings have a lightness to them that I really like. The lighting on them when I took the photos is pretty low, so they seem less vibrant in these photos. I’m hoping to flatten all these wrinkled paintings at some point and take higher quality photos. I recently decided to buy higher quality paper for these sessions. At first, I wasn’t thinking I’d be saving these. And the further I progress in this process I realize that I would like to have them be available for sale, or for making prints from the images. Even though the paper is more expensive, I’m still not attaching myself to the idea that they have to be something. The idea of release and of the act of “doing” are still the main intention. I’m just willing to invest more the materials, so that if I do end up with an image I like, it’s on a material that is more archival and presentable. In doing these paintings along with my bodywork sessions, I’m having some amazing results. In the beginning I realized that I have an area in my body, behind my heart and under my left shoulder blade, that we’ve labeled a “vortex”. A place where I store energy, emotions, trauma, experiences. I’m holding on to so much. It has bloated my body, my mind, my psyche, and my spirit. In the past 21 and a half months I’ve been sober from marijuana. That was the start of removing the blankets that comfort this vortex. During this past Christmas, I began working out at the gym with my brother Chris in Northville, MI where I grew up. And I have been going to the YMCA here in Berkeley since the beginning of this new year. This process is also shaking up the cocoon, and waking up this condensed system I’ve developed in my body. As I began doing bodywork and these meditation paintings with Michael Saporita, aka “Golden Flux”, I began to be able to name and visualize this system, or condition that has been the source of suffering in me for as long as I can remember. These paintings mark a significant point in this recovery process. In the beginning of these painting sessions, the emotion that was coming out was very bound, tight, repressed and dark. Not to say this has completely gone away, but now I’m realizing that this same energy is saying to me that it can be used for good things. That this same spot I visualized as a vortex, is now being visualized as a seed. As a place I can shine light from. As a resource of energy that has been stored for so long, and instead of dismantling, processing, analyzing, and understanding the past reasons it was put there, it has been turned into energy that I can use to create, sprout, shine, and share. So these paintings had such a different feeling to them. That instead of thinking of this area or vortex in my body as a dark and scary place, the more I visualize light coming to and from there, and letting that light shine out of me, it releases the negative connotations that it had in the beginning of our work together. Though even as I write this, I can feel the tension in this spot, and know that this area is still very tight and compact, it is also a reminder that I’m changing my mind, body, and spirit. As Michael said, maybe this is the tension you need to spread your wings, and to spring from the ground and fly into the air. Or into my life.

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